sunnuntai 13. marraskuuta 2016

The Internship Begins


It's Sunday evening and two days into my internship. I find it hard to just lie down and let my mind and body relax. I feel emotionally and physically compressed by all the pressure. I know I'm such a fool to take on this stress. I'm a goddamn adult. I should know how to put things in proportion by now. But well, I am a highly sensitive person. It is a biological fact that I do not like to fail, changes stress me and too much stimulation overwhelms my body. Yet it is always me who seeks out these challenges.

Elaine Aron always talks about the  HSPs having to stop living like the rest, the 80 percent, of the people. This means arranging your life so that you are not exposed to exhausting amounts of stimuli on a daily basis. This is really easier said than done in my case since I have the constant need to prove to myself that I can do exactly the same things as everybody else. Time after time I end up finding myself in places where I wish I would fit, but which are really the worst environments for someone like me. At least in the beginning. In the end I have always come out of the thing as a winner. But the problem is that I'm not used to fail and the thought of maybe not making it feels excruciatingly shameful. 

Being an expat means really playing life on the hard mode. Especially in a country like France, where you can't rely on your English language skills almost ever. In Finland you can for example find a job as a foreigner and never have to learn any Finnish. Everybody will speak English in the work community for you. I'm not saying that I want people to speak English to me here to make my life easier. It would just be nice to have the option to clarify things in a language that I'm capable of perfectly understanding. Like few first days at work have been so challenging since all the information was given to me in french. My brain was working so hard both trying to understand the message and memorize the information given. I work constantly on improving my French skills, but it's so frustrating to feel like a complete fool on a regular basis when I know that in English or in my native language I would do my job perfectly. But here I am repeating over and over the phraces that I need to master for the job.

I have two days off now, but I will be spending them training my french and trying to learn all the important details on the hotel. So much information to process, so much new to learn.

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