maanantai 10. lokakuuta 2016

Blood, Sweat, Tears

The first week of my course is now behind and a new began today. In the last week I have challenged myself more than in a long long time. I went from hiding in my house, in my little comfort zone, to facing a class room of French people and a full time professional training course all by myself with my barely B2 level French. The course is five days a week, 8 hours a day and a two and a half months in total long. That includes a three weeks training period in an enterprise.

During the last seven days I have fallen from my high hopes to the bottom of the pit and slowly crawled my way back up. 

The first day wasn't bad at all since we were starting off slowly by just going through the program and so on. The day went fast without any bigger problems although I was silently the whole time very nervous and tense in the new situation. The nice thing was that the teacher spoke slowly so I thought I was doing well to understand most of what was going on in the class. It was extremely tiring to listen all day such high level French and try to keep up with all the others.

If the first day was just tiring and made me nervous, the second was much worse. The thin fragile ground under my feet cracked and I fell. We were doing a dialog exercise in front of the class in pairs and due to my nervousness I couldn't manage to understand anything my pair tried to tell me. I froze, though managing the best I could. I was so ashamed for my failure and scared I couldn't ever manage to finish the full course. I held the rest of the day my tears back. I felt like a lost child full of fear and panic. I made it through the day with a hot face, bloodshot eyes and an aching body. It was only when I was in the car safe with my husband that I couldn't stop crying.

But you know what? My dear little fellow expat on the other side of this screen. It does get better. It gets just worse before.

I cried all the heaviness of my heart out and then I went to have an ice cream with my husband. 
Next morning I opened my eyes to the new day with fear freezing my chest.

But it was a better day than the one before. My body had been tired for all the efforts it had been putting into adapting to the new things. I had cried because I had to do my worst to realize I could take failure. And as I had failed as hard I could and survive until the next day, I was able to relax. And as I stopped stressing I was able to perform better and have little victories.

It's amazing how powerful our minds and bodies are in the terms of adaptation. When faced with the absolute need to survive, it does what it has to. And we are made of much stronger stuff than we even know. May that be the thought that gives me faith to this new week of challenges.

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